My Defining Moment

In 2003 my husband and I were pregnant with our fourth child.  We started taking steps to prepare for our new arrival.  We purchased a larger house, started space planning and preparing a nursery.  I was feeling great.  I was comfortable and knew what to expect, due to the fact that I had done this three times before.

My husband and I decided, just as we had done the first three times, that we did not want the sex of the baby revealed prior to birth - but if i am honest, i was praying for a boy - God had already blessed us with three beautiful girls.  In my 8th month of pregnancy I went to my normal pre-natal check up and the doctor looked troubled after performing an ultrasound exam.  I was told to report to the Imaging department for further ultrasound.  After that exam, the doctor, who was not my normal OB/GYN, informed me that my unborn child had no heart beat.........It was if all of the breath went out of my lungs.  I was completely numb.  I went to my car and wept.  I called my husband who met me at the hospital and we entered the Labor and Delivery department hand in hand....this is where the journey began....

So, I was admitted.  The Dr. performed another ultra sound to verify the previous findings.  He then inserted some medicine designed to soften the cervix in an attempt to induce labor.  I went home for a period of five days.  It was a rough five days.....knowing that the child I was carrying, the one we made so many plans for, was dead.  Those five days is when my faith began to increase.  The scripture that we often learn as children and recite in church: His strength is made perfect in my weakness, finally had real, tangible meaning for me.  I was completely weak, no strength....

My OB/GYN called me, expressed his condolences and scheduled a surgery date for a C-section.  Little did I know, that he cut his vacation short and immediately returned to perform the surgery.  Even in the midst of an awful trial God always shows Himself strong...His grace and mercy came shinning through.  It is amazing, God's grace.  In a hospital people come in and out of your room constantly.  It was no different for me, however, every person that came in and had contact with me gave me a word of encouragement.  They all happened to be Christians. I can still remember the last words I heard before the anesthesia kicked in - my doctor said to me: "You are a tough one.  Remember this is all just a test of your faith".  I cannot tell you in the split second the relief and release that came over me.  I was never confused about the fact that God was in control in that operating room.  But in that split second, with those words my doctor said to me, I knew that he knew that God was in control too.

After the surgery my husband and I began to plan the funeral for our son.  It may sound strange, but I wasn't even thinking along those lines until one of my post-op nurses asked if I needed any help or resources for burial.  For whatever reason, the thought of a funeral never crossed my mind - until the wheeled me into the room to see our son.  I was 8 months (close to 9 months) pregnant when he was delivered- almost full term.  When I entered the room, I found my husband talking to the baby.  He was telling him how much he loved him.  He named him.  Anthony (my husband's first name),  William (my dad's first name) Myers.  He was beautiful and looked so much like our youngest daughter.

The funeral was an amazing worship service at the Cemetery Chapel.  We are blessed with so many wonderful friends and family who were all there to love and support us.  My pastor delivered the most comforting, encouraging and reassuring eulogy.  There were others in the congregation that day that had lost children, weather by still birth, late in pregnancy or early on in the pregnancy.  They expressed their gratitude to the pastor, saying that God's words, through him gave them long overdue peace about their loss.

After the funeral, and in the weeks to come, I because depressed and weary.  I knew in my heart that God always knows what is best for me.  I knew that He would never leave me or forsake me.  I knew that He would comfort me, and yet I was in distress.  That distress began to manifest itself in the form of panic attacks.  I thought that I was having a heart attack or stroke.  An ambulance ride to the hospital and several follow up appointments later the doctor referred me to a psychiatrist for a psych consult.  That was it! I went home, and knowing that this was a spiritual issue, prayed and simply asked the Lord for guidance and directions.  He led me to a book called: Battlefield of the Mind,  by Joyce Meyers.  Now I am not necessarily a Joyce Meyers fan.  I had never read anything published by her, nor did I follow her ministry, but the Lord spoke to me through this book.  This was my breakthrough point.  This was it!  I skipped the psych consult (I am not condoning going against your doctors recommendations, but I made a decision to yield to the Holy Spirit)  and my journey to recovery began.  Praying, filling my mind with the word of God, speaking the word of God over my own life, all the time realizing that it was HE who was working in me to complete the work He had begun.

If you don't take anything else away from this testimony, take this:  If I had not been praying, if I did not know the word of God and could not recall the scriptures I would not have made it!  You must fill your life, with the word of God. Pray and study, because if you don't you will NOT be able to stand under the weight of life and the tragedy it sometimes brings.

God has revealed to me so many things during this trial and they are too numerous to list in this post.  I will share them though, as the Lord leads me, in future posts on this blog.  I was devastated by the loss of my son, but I also know that there is no way in the world that my relationship with Christ could ever be this close if I had not lost him.  Some may say that it was too high a price, almost cruel of God .  I say that it was necessary, remembering that everything that happens in our lives is for His glory.  This testimony has brought people to Christ, has saved souls and if that is a result of my trial, then it was worth the pain.  I know that I will see my son again.  Knowing that for the Christian death is synonymous with life.  God was glorified and I still get to live eternally with him and with all of my loved ones that are now resting with the Lord.

I will leave you with James 1:2-6
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Study the word and stay prayed up so that you might be able, through the Lord's strength, to stand....
Let's continue to Get it in................